How to get through when life gets hard

Flow Feels Good

When things are going well for me, I can feel the flow of my life.  I experience little things that seem to be more than coincidences every day.  They are statistically almost impossible to conceive that they could be random events.

You have almost certainly had these experiences.   Sometimes they pass us by in our day to day lives if we are not paying attention.  Often times,  they are a marvel and you notice.  It feels like a little nudge that you are going in the right direction.

It can be something as simple as a phone call, a billboard,  or book that catches you eye in response to an issue or need that you have in your current life.  One of my good friends last evening gave an example of receiving two important calls she needed to get yesterday.  One she received as she was leaving, and had to go back into her house for something just after the phone rang.  The second came just as she had pulled off the highway because she thought she was lost.  It turned out she was not. Just as she pulled over and stopped, her cell  phone rang.  Both these  calls were important in her day.  Coincidence?

These are the experiences that are such fun to share. Sometimes they can even leave us feeling special as our egos love to feel.  Like we are selected for special treats from divinity.  I love those moments and can really revel in them.

When times turn rough

For the past few months, my experiences  have been showing me something else. Those little moments are still there, yet there are bigger issues that are out of sync. Scary issues for me.  Ones that have caused me to rethink everything and make choices about what I stand for and what my life is truly about.

Suddenly, all at once,  I started not feeling well, my tenants stopped paying their rent,  I ended a job that was really not right for me.  Money, which had been flowing suddenly became a huge issue.  It stopped period.    My health which is very tied to my ability to create abundance in my mind was suddenly compromised. I did not feel well enough to even look for or think about a job or work. I wanted to just lie on the couch and not think about anything.

Tests did not show what was wrong. I did not feel depressed, although I do know what that feels like. I was experiencing bouts of grief that seemed to come from somewhere deep in the past, perhaps not even this lifetime that were very intense and bottomless.  Aching joints, fuzzy thinking, and exhaustion.  Lot of other strange symptoms I won’t go into here.

This sort of big bang experience all happened over a period of a month or two.  I was terrified, cried a lot, and at first, I  tried to figure it out constantly.  Needless to say, it did not work.  I started getting more and more scared, and in my worst moments, fearing  I was dying,  or at the least, would be homeless.    None of this thinking helped but it was a necessary and needed step in the process.  I was fighting, and struggling.

As I started to get a little equilibrium again,  I started to focus on being present again,  of noticing my breathing.  I realized how little I really trust the universe in spite of the fact that I say I do.  I started noticing how vulnerable I felt without all my roles to surround me and make me feel OK.   I started to notice that I actually felt OK when I just let go of all the parts of me that I thought made me and surrendered to the experience of what was going on.

I started to actually experience moments of feeling good.  It felt odd to suddenly feel OK in the midst of not knowing what would happen tomorrow,  if I would still be able to stay in my home, or if I would recover physically from my health issues.

As I became more aware of the presence that is there in every situation,  The me behind the me,  the I-am of me, I felt calm.  I realized that I am not what I do. I am more than a human being.  That I am not  woman,  cook, mother, friend, spiritual seeker, therapist, artist and all those things  I think of as me. That those are just roles I play here on earth. They are not me.

Me is spirit that inhabits this body while I am  here on earth.  Yet it is not the body itself.   It is something very hard to describe.  It is the one who observes all that is going on but is not that.  Consciousness.  Awareness.  The I -am of me can feel peaceful and OK even when the human me has lost it’s roles and is struggling to find equilibrium.

In fact, it can be a breakthrough moment of learning to be more present, to let go of ego a bit more, and to grow.  This is why so many of our spiritual teachings and traditions ask us to be thankful for all our experiences.  Sometimes the awful ones are those that are the most helpful on our path to greater joy, peace, and experiencing ourselves fully.

I have found with myself and the individuals I have worked with in therapy  that the  experiences we define as bad can actually be some of our most valuable.  The experiences  that leave you wondering what is going on, although painful can  result in the greatest transformation and joy.   They can be scary, they test you, and ask you to pull up your strength. They require you  to change and do something differently. To really examine you life. To surrender.

Sometimes they demand a total change of your image.  They can not be gotten through without changing your ways of coping. Changing who you think you are.

When you experience an illness, a job or career loss,  a serious accident, or loss of one or more of you roles as a human,  you have to find other ways to define yourself.   Your spirit is asking you to change and grow.  It is not a punishment and your not be singled out to suffer.  You are  being asked to examine, and perhaps change some things about how you view yourself, and the  circumstances of your life.

Suddenly, you are not the wife, husband, mother, healthy person, someone with a certain career, or whatever other labels you have attached to yourself.   In these situations, your sense of self is threatened.  Your ego does not know what to cling to for it’s indentity.  It fights back and tries to re-store the safety of the status quo.  It is all about survival.  Survival of the illusion that you think is you.

The great thing about that if you can survive it, is that it forces you to rethink who you are at your very core.  It requires you to trust a power greater than yourself.  To face you worst fears. To surrender.

For me,  it has been just  4 months since the bottom fell out of my life. I am  feeling better and more clear every day.  Things are not worked out yet, but I feel much more hopeful.

I have realized some things I need to let go of. Gradually, the messages have become clear it is time to lighten up.  I see how attached I am to my stuff. To my identity.  To my roles.   I have experienced financial miracles just when they were needed.  Some times it was a simple as  a bag of food my daughter handed me that a neighbor left when she took off for the winter.  Another time, it was a check coming just when I needed it the most.  A small trust fund of my mother left that got me through a few of those months.  I am filled with grattitude for all of that.

I am starting to feel a slight better physically now thanks to following little nudges and intuitions.  Just being able to get back to my writing here,  and my practice as a therapist is major progress for me.  The most likely explanation for my symptoms is  lyme disease following a tick bite this spring.   I don’t have a definitive diagnosis, but am responding so some herbs and other things that can help. Antibiotics helped for a bit and now I am trying other things.

I know not everyone is so lucky in having something that can be improved or helped.  Sometimes health issues can be something that will end our life, or at the very least cause us to decide if we will fight for it.  If we have lost a close family member or good friend, we can’t call them back.  Even in these terrible situations,  I believe it is possible to surrender to what is , and gradually  find a peace that we might not have had before.

Regardless of  circumstances,  surrendering to what is and being present will help us as we muddle  through. Surrender only comes after our ego puts up a fight.  I guess how big our struggle is up to us.

After my own personal experience, I have a few ideas I would like to share about  what helped me get through.

Here are some thoughts on ways to help get to greater peace

Take a few minutes to focus on your breathing throughout the day, and be aware of the self behind the stuff going on.  Try and be aware of the spaces between your thoughts as you do this on a regular basis.

Journal about what is going on. Allow yourself to really feel and experience feelings, body sensations.  Surrender to what is. Say yes to your grief, you sadness, anger, or whatever other feelings your having.  Let it be there. Make space for it.  Feel where it is in your body and release it.  It usually will be felt in your chest or stomach area.  It will pass once it is experienced fully.

Books on learning to be present can be helpful. I recommend Eckhart Tolle’s Book ” A New Earth”,  or Collin Tippins book ” Radical Forgiveness as a place to start.

Share with friends.  This is not a time to worry about being negative. Just let out your fears and concerns with those you trust.

Take care of the basics as much as you can. Rest,  good diet, being gentle with yourself if very important.  Really try to catch yourself as you beat yourself up several times a day and turn it around.  This is not your fault.

Love yourself, and love yourself more.

Ask for help.  Angels, divinity, spirit guides.  Ask for guidance.  People too.

Give thanks as much as you can.  Practice saying thank you for this problem even if you don’t like saying it .  And thank you for the good things that are happening with you or those you love.

Visualize what you want when you are able to be in a place of allowing positive hopeful feelings.  Feel those feelings of flow and life going well. Just don’ t use it to short circuit the letting go process.  It won’t work anyway as the garbage will block your efforts.  There is really no way of getting around the releasing and changing you need to do here if you want to feel better.

Categories: Healing through Pain   |   Tags: healing, painful experiences, surrender  |  No Comments »